Fresh Start // Reboot // Self Care

If I think back to one moment in 2016 that really felt true to who I was, I immediately go back to our trip to Colorado we took this past June. We hiked, we drank, we indulged in many different local activities. Plenty of ice cream and varieties of beer. We laughed, we sweat, we danced, we chatted with strangers and heard different stories. I really feel blessed to be able to experience life with my husband, my best friend. Things are easy for us, and traveling is a time when I find we are best together. Trying new things, being active, and taking in our beautiful surroundings of places we've never been. Our trip to Colorado was the perfect timing this year. Right after I closed a chapter of a job of 8 years, and right before starting school again to become a licensed cosmetologist. It was up in the air for me to decide who I was, and become who I was meant to be. That desk job was never my style. I was breaking free and starting fresh. 

Along with starting fresh came a new routine, a new work load, and a who new way of life. New stress. My entire schedule, our entire schedule was flipped upside down. Eric is the one home most of the time, which meant most of the home "duties" fall on him. He has been absolutely amazing and I wouldn't be able to do any of this without him. Its definitely difficult. School is great, I'm loving every minute of it. My passion is growing and pouring out of my soul I feel like some days. It's crazy how happy you can be in one area of your life, but in other areas you can be struggling and fighting off demons on the regular. Those demons are always, always to do with my weight. Over the past 3 or so years I've managed to get down from the heaviest I have ever weighed in my life, and shed 80 pounds. Well, now a bit of weight has crept back on and I'm really losing my mind. I was so happy, so strong, so balanced at that lower weight. I've got this urge to become myself again. To truly live and look how I feel inside. I'm finally living the life I want to live, but only missing one side of it. My weight has always been a struggle for me but I have grown so much and am always evolving that I know I can battle this, and overcome this struggle for good. I know I can reach my goal weight, and balance this lifestyle for the rest of my life. 

And thats where this blog comes in. I need a place to hold myself accountable, and to document even just a snippet of my days, as I work at rediscovering who I am, who I will become, and who I will evolve into. 2016 was just a start for me. 2017 is going to be a whole new year, where I may not even recognize myself compared to my past, but I'm only looking forward from here.

Cheers to self discovery and hard work.

xoxo

Hi There

Some of you may have known me for my original blog - The Hazards of Love. I wasn't very consistent with my posts, and extremely random with them. I decided to give my blog a complete makeover, including name and give it another shot. I'm still working on layout and what not but I have a few posts already lined up. :)

I've got a lot going on in my life right now, but I also feel like I have a lot to say. I'm pretty open minded and going through a lot of changes right now so I figured, why not document it? I have learned a lot over the past couple of years about myself and I have something to share with others. A way to reach out to people in different ways, for different reasons.

Anyways, I hope you enjoy my posts to come. I plan on sharing my weight loss journey, my wedding, beauty tutorials, favorite fashion and beauty products, healthy living, and just the random odds and ends of life. :)

Feel free to follow me on Instagram and Twitter or subscribe to my YouTube Beauty Channel.

Until next time,
Emily

Moving Forward

"In order to move on, you must understand why you felt what you did and why you no longer need to feel it."

The past couple of weeks I've been doing a lot of self reflecting. A good friendship gone bad really put a bad taste in my mouth and I'm having a hard time moving on. I felt cheated and set up. I'm not a mind reader, and it's my biggest peeve when people don't understand that communication with our feelings and needs is what connects us as humans. It's what makes relationships and friendships work. If we don't communicate what we want out of those we love then we are setting each other up for failure. Relationships don't work on "wishing" someone would do something. I was made to feel like a bad person. A bad friend. I'm not.

I think the key part of my successful 8 year relationship with my husband (wedding post will be happening soon) is that we communicate. We don't wish the other would do something for the other. We communicate it and we understand that it may take the "romance" out of it but you know what? We are happy. If we haven't gone on a date in a while, I mention it. And wouldn't you know, we go on a date and everyones happy. Instead of me "wishing" we would go on a date and stewing and being upset, I talk about it.

I experienced a friendship ending on a sour note. I'm not happy about it. It's hard to move on from something that makes you so bitter and upset. Something that could have been prevented. Instead, my "being there" wasn't good enough, therefore I was made to not feel good enough. I was made to feel like a shitty friend. I said what I needed to say, and I meant every word. But that doesn't mean I'm not upset about it. If you are setting someone up for failure, how do you expect them to react?

I've caught myself over the past few weeks feeling bad and thinking maybe I was a shitty friend. I quickly remind myself that I am a grown ass woman and deserve better. I deserve friends that communicate frustrations and disappointments with me. I'd rather talk it out and strengthen our friendship instead of finding out you are just packing up and leaving without a word of goodbye. I guess that's the easy thing to do right?

I don't like feeling like I'm being "tested" for my actions or words I say. I'm a genuine person. I mean what I say.

I'm beginning to move forward because thats what people do. Sure it'd be easy to snap my fingers and not be upset anymore but that's not the reality of it. I'm sad, frustrated, hurt, and deeply disappointed. It will take time, and that pisses me off. Because I don't deserve this taking up space in my head.

Let go or be dragged…I'm letting go.

The End, Not Really

Some of you may be asking about my blog post title. It's because today was the end of my weight loss challenge, but not the end of my journey. January 16th of this year I was asked to join a biggest loser team at work, I reluctantly said yes because I'm not much for relying on other people but I figured I could join the team and see what happens. Fast forward to now, and here I am after my final weigh in, and possibly in 1st place of the entire competition. All by myself,  I did it. Sure I had a ton of support from Eric, as well as my family and friends but at the end of the day, I'm the one that ate right and worked my ass off. Literally. I've lost 55 pounds on this journey and can't wait to lose more. Although I am pretty relieved that the competition is over because believe me...I am one competitive girl. Once I realized I had a shot at winning this thing (and $500 mind you) I was all in. I removed my cheat meal and increased my workouts.

Taken before weighing in this morning feeling pretty proud of myself. :)

I'm sure many of you are asking the same question I've been asked frequently these past few months..."How are you doing it?!" It's simple. HARD WORK!

I first had to do a little soul searching and find out what it was in my head that wasn't allowing me to let go of my past and live a healthy life. It was really hard, I've tried for years and this time it finally clicked. I think a lot of it had to do with the post I wrote back in February about my eating disorder growing up. It allowed me to be honest with the people in my life. I was no longer living a secret. Once I was able to let go of that, nothing could stop me. I could shape myself and my life how I wanted it to be. I learned I was in charge, and I took charge.

I set goals. But not goals that were about a number. You have to take the number you have in your head and get rid of it. Don't focus on it. Don't put an end time to it either. I'm telling you, don't do that to yourself. For example, I want to lose 30 pounds by August 20th. Don't do that. I made goals that would instead result in weight loss.

Goals like...working out 6 days a week, drinking almost 2 gallons of water everyday, eating healthy, no drinking alcohol, run a 5K, get top 5 biggest loser. All of these goals, by working on them everyday, they resulted in the weight loss. Consistency will get you far.

Eating right - I'm not depriving myself. I'm just eating less. Instead of chocolate I crave fruit. That's where I get my sugar fix. I eat whole grains and healthy protein. Hummus and salsa instead of fatty dips. I eat often. I never go hungry.

Work your ass off - I started with the deck of cards work out. I added walking, walked faster and farther. I started training to run a 5k. I did sprinting intervals on my parents treadmill. I went hiking. I jumped rope. A lot. A lot of jumping rope. Kickboxing. I got up at 5:00 am to walk 4 miles on Grandview daily. I worked out multiple times a day. Once June hit it was ramped up a bit. It wasn't strange to see me working out 3 times a day. I learned so much about myself in these tough workouts. I didn't always want to get up and workout but I reminded myself of why I wanted to do this from the start.

Everyday I made the decision to live my life like this. Now I don't have to think about it because this is normal for me. Find something that motivates you and embrace it. But remember, no one can motivate you unless you yourself feel motivated. You have to want to do this.

"Commitment means staying loyal to what you said you were going to do long after the mood you said it in has left you."

Skys the limit for me. I am taking on the world. :) Whether I end up winning the contest or not (find out Monday) I feel like I've already won.

xo

Ps. I got to try my wedding dress on this past weekend and that was enough for me to feel like all of this extremely hard work was worth it.

Be Happy. It will change your life.

2013 has been a year of change for me. I've completely changed how I live my life. I've lost weight, I've gained friendships I knew were there but just needed some love and attention, and I'm starting to really find out who I am. Most of all, if there was a scale of happiness mine is at the highest capacity right now. I don't know how my heart can be filled with anything else. Thoughts of getting married, "someday babies" and lifelong friendships make me ask how I got to be this lucky. 

The past couple of months have been tough. Just a lot of downs...but we made it through. We chose even during difficult times, to be happy. If there is a major thing Eric has taught me in the 8 years of knowing him its that you just need to be happy. His approach on difficult times amazes me. It always starts with assessing the situation, if something can be done to help, you do that. If there isn't anything you can do, why stress over it? Just move on and be happy. You have the ability to choose how happy you are no matter your circumstances. You can have absolutely nothing and the world can be closing in and you still have the ability to be happy. 

Lately, I have really started running. Daily. Longer lengths, more often, faster. I've just gone out there and done it. I now have a drive to do it and get better everyday. Some days suck. Others I feel like I could go for miles. The point is, each day I get out there and I do it. I run. When running you are quickly reminded about the power of your mind. How much your mind controls what you do. Physically you get to the point where you want to stop. Mentally, you love being out there and running, you love the feeling, you love the endorphins. So you have to tell yourself to just keep going. To work through the fatigue. Even though physically you think you are done, you push on and your mind allows you to do more than your body thought you could. 

Being happy is just the same. No matter the distractions in life, or all of the "stuff" going on you still have the ability mentally to tell yourself you are going to be happy. To choose to be happy. It's really that simple. If you have a happy outlook on life you will be happy. Take joy in the simple things, don't sweat the little stuff because at the end of the day it's just stuff. Happiness is contagious and can change how other people look at their life. Choose to be happy and it really will change your life.

xo

Throwback Thursday: Music Edition // Fiona Apple

Fiona Apple

This weeks Throwback Thursday: Music Edition is about the one and only Fiona Apple. If you don't know who she is you are seriously missing out. She is a creative genius in my mind and honestly was my outlet during my tough years in high school dealing with my eating disorder and just depression in general. Her music stung me deeply to the core. It was relatable to me. Her song writing and rhythms were almost as if I wrote them myself. (hardly) I still listen to her probably on a weekly basis. There's just something about her music that doesn't get old. She's got something for every mood. I'll be honest, it's really impossible for me to pick a few songs for you to listen to. Impossible.

The albums Criminal released in 1996 and When The Pawn released in 1999 are two of my all time favorite albums. EVER. ever. ever. 

Don't start with her new albums, go back to these two and listen to them. Really listen. As someone that grew up with a lot of self doubt, loneliness, eating disorder, crappy friends, and crappy boyfriends...her music is so relatable. She talks about love and hurt, hunger, and self doubt. At the same time she had strength. Strength to write about all of these things but still sound so beautifully. Some of the songs you can just feel her pain and others you can feel her strength and thats what I love about her. She's truly an artist. 

**The name of the songs are links to the songs. :)

 Sullen Girl -
"Days like this, I don't know what to do with myself 
All day -- and all night 
I wander the halls along the walls and under my breath 
I say to myself 
I need fuel -- to take flight -- 
And there's too much going on 
But it's calm under the waves, in the blue of my oblivion 
Under the waves in the blue of my oblivion 
Is that why they call me a sullen girl -- sullen girl 
They don't know I used to sail the deep and tranquil sea 
but he washed my shore and he took my pearl 
And left and empty shell of me 
And there's too much going on 
But it's clam under the waves, in the blue of my oblivion"

Fast As You Can -

"I let the beast in too soon, I don’t know how to live

Without my hand on his throat; I fight him always & still
O darling, it's so sweet, you think you know how crazy 
-How crazy I am
You say you don’t spook easy, you won’t go, but I know
And I pray that you will
-Fast as you can, baby run-free yourself of me
Fast as you can
I may be soft in your palm but I’ll soon grow
Hungry for a fight, and I will not let you win
My pretty mouth will frame the phrases that will
Disprove your faith in man
So if you catch me trying to find my way into your
Heart from under your skin
-Fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself"

Criminal - (If you've listened to the radio in the 90's you've heard this)

"I've been a bad, bad girl

I've been careless with a delicate man
And it's a sad, sad world
When a girl will break a boy just because she can

Don't you tell me to deny it
I've done wrong and I want to suffer for my sins
I've come to you 'cause I need guidance to be true
And I just don't know where I can begin

What I need is a good defense
'Cause I'm feeling like a criminal
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I've sinned against
Because he's all I ever knew of love"

Love Ridden -
"Love ridden, I've looked at you
With the focus I gave to my birthday candles
I've wished on the lidded blue flames
Under your brow
And baby, I wished for you
Nobody sees when you are lying in your bed
And I wanna crawl in with you
But I cry instead
I want your warm, but it will only make
Me colder when it's over, 
So I can't tonight, baby
No, not "baby" anymore - if I need you
I'll just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while, we'll only have to wave
My hand won't hold you down no more
The path is clear to follow through
I stood too long in the way of the door
And now I'm giving up on you"

Paper Bag -
"I was staring at the sky, just lookin' for a star
To pray on or wish on or something like that
I was havin' a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality, I knew, was a hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances were approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird but it was just a paper bag

Hunger hurts and I want him so bad, oh, it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts but starvin' works when it costs
Too much to love"

Please tell mere there is someone else out there that loves her just as much as I do? :)

xo

Walking The Dog

Oh Banksy, you are my everything

This dog is amazing. At times he is a pain in the ass on walks, but the smiles he puts on peoples faces while we are on walks just makes me laugh. Banksy is the typical lab. Goofy, loving, gently, vocal, attention lover... The list goes on. My favorite part about B is his tail. He can't hide any emotion because his tail gives it away. Walks make him so happy that I don't think his tail can go any faster sometimes. People giving him attention is his favorite and even though we are still working on him lunging in for people to pet him (he really can't wait for people to come to him) he is a great dog that just loves sharing his love. Taking him on walks has really become the favorite part of my day. Besides seeing Eric of course. ;)

xo