And Life Goes On

The month of March has really passed by quickly. I have to say, I'm so glad because this month was a tough one in many ways.

The beginning of the month I found out that one of my best friends Joanna (also one of my bridesmaids) was not going to be able to come to the wedding. Joanna and I met back when I was just a baby (20 years old) when we both started our new jobs, on our first day together. This girl has been a very important part of my life for the past 5 years even though the majority of our friendship has been spent hundreds of miles away from each other. (Georgia isn't really a day trip away) Before Eric and I were even engaged I knew she was a bridesmaid. She had to be apart of the most important day of my life. Joanna gave birth to her a most precious baby boy last July and since then has been the best mom that sweet little boy can ask for. I'm so happy for the wonderful life her and her husband have made for themselves. Of course my heart is completely broken that she won't be able to make it back to Iowa for our special day. I was consumed with several different emotions all at once. I took a day just to be upset. I cried and cried. Ok, maybe I took two days. I was a baby about it. Although upset I realized life goes on. Things don't always go as planned, but what I've learned is you feel your pain, or whatever you need to feel at the time to move on, but you move on. You have to move on. Joanna not being there for my wedding is upsetting but there are going to be other friends there, and family that will be there to share this day with.

As if that news wasn't another to put a cloud on this month, Sunday March 17th I found out that a coworker of mine died the night before. It was a complete accident and shock to everyone. Someone you see everyday. It was definitely news that I couldn't handle. I have had a lot of deaths in my life. I say a lot because any is too many, and several is well...a lot. It doesn't get easier. If anything it gets harder. One persons death triggers memories from when someone else you loved passed. And then that triggers another, and your feelings just all come rushing back. I think it's even harder when that person is someone you just talked to two days earlier, someone who you knew when they were around. Their laugh, charisma, smile, stories, everything about them just stood out. Deb was a one of a kind lady. She had the biggest heart of any person I've known, and her love for life was out of this world. She did what she wanted with all the love in her heart. But she had that personality where she was honest.  No bullshit. I LOVE that about my memories of Deb. Her personality was contagious. Her laugh and smile are forever in my memory. She really lived life like there wasn't tomorrow. This really made me look at my own life. I have definitely reevaluated things and how I've been living. I love the people in my life, and I work very hard everyday to make sure they know how much I love them. But, am I living my life how I want to? I feel like I'm just a fraction of who I really want to be. I am bursting inside to be who I really want but I feel like I've been holding back. I don't want to look back 10 years from now and still only be a fraction of who I feel I am. I want to be 100% me whether people like it or not. I don't want life passing me by. It's already been two weeks since Deb's passing and it feels like we just got the news yesterday.

And that's what this month has taught me. Life goes on. It doesn't wait for you to get things done. It doesn't wait for you to make up with a friend. It doesn't wait for you to get a tattoo. It doesn't wait for you to have a child. It doesn't wait at all. You have to keep up with it, and you have to live for you.

I'm so thankful for my coworkers, family and friends, and especially Eric for rallying together this month and making this girl feel loved. The healing process is a lot easier when you have people around to support you.

**Sorry for such a depressing post. I've been typing and deleting the same post for about a week now. I couldn't seem to find any words that didn't have to do with this topic so I figured I needed to get it out of me. Sometimes when I have so much sadness in my heart I can't seem to get the words out. Cheers to hoping April brings happiness and healing.

Peace & Chicken Grease