There is a big part of my life that not many people know about. I've shared my struggle with a few of my closest friends, but for the most part I have kept my struggle with an eating disorder to myself. It isn't until now, at 25, that I feel comfortable telling the world. Now I don't have to announce that I had have (once you have one you will always deal with those demons) an eating disorder. I'm not writing this blog for the attention, for sympathy, or for people that know me to look at me any different. I'm writing about this because I hope my struggles with anorexia and bulimia could maybe help someone I know, or help someone that may someday have a son or daughter that suffers from this.
“It is not a sudden leap from sick to well. It is a slow, strange meander from sick to mostly well. The misconception that eating disorders are a medical disease in the traditional sense is not helpful here. There is no 'cure'. A pill will not fix it, though it may help. Ditto therapy, ditto food, ditto endless support from family and friends. You fix it yourself. It is the hardest thing that I have ever done, and I found myself stronger for doing it. Much stronger.”
― Marya Hornbacher, Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia
From what I can remember...it started in 8th grade. (eating disorders tend to really fog your memory. You have this perception of reality when really you are so focused on this disease that you don't remember much.) We moved here in 7th grade and I made friends pretty quickly. It wasn't until I joined a club soccer team that the bullying began. Lets face it, girls at that age can be pretty cruel and it makes me sad to even think about. Growing up I was always tallest in class, and bigger than most girls. I was still athletic for the most part so I never thought of it as a bad thing. I remember specifically the comment that changed it all. One day after school in 8th grade I was on AIM (I know right. AIM, not Facebook or Twitter. Just AIM) I was online chatting with friends when the bullying started. I had been teased before but never directly attacked the way I was this day. A couple of girls that I played soccer with started sending me messages. The one specific message that stuck with me was..."If you were any slower, you would be going backwards." Now you may think that's not a big deal. But to me, at 14, I lost it. I couldn't believe that these girls were being so mean. The sad things is I believed them. I believed every single terrible word they had to say about me. It was almost like I just snapped. I suddenly lost any bit of confidence that I had. I had a moment of feeling sorry for myself that turned into "I'll show you" The rest is kind of a blur.
I started cutting calories first. That summer before my freshman year in high school it was easy to cut calories because I was home alone for the most part. No one was around to know what I was eating. I would drink so much water my stomach would ache. I was constantly cold, and always had a headache and body aches. I started working out. Running a little bit, each day running further. I was up to running 3 miles a day while eating probably 600 calories. Most of the time it was just dinner because that was the meal everyone was home for. After dinner I would feel so guilty about eating a meal that I would go into my room and do push ups, crunches, leg lifts. Anything I could do to feel like I was burning calories. I remember being so fidgety. Just sitting still was impossible. I was constantly squeezing my leg muscles in hopes of making them smaller. Every thought was about food, what I was going to eat and how I could burn it off. I was always worried about being in a situation where I had to eat, always coming up with an excuse to get out of eating around others. I lost 45 pounds in 3 months that summer.
“Eating disorders are addictions. You become addicted to a number of their effects. The two most basic and important: the pure adrenaline that kicks in when you're starving—you're high as a kite, sleepless, full of a frenetic, unstable energy—and the heightened intensity of experience that eating disorders initially induce. At first, everything tastes and smells intense, tactile experience is intense, your own drive and energy themselves are intense and focused. Your sense of power is very, very intense. You are not aware, however, that you are quickly becoming addicted.”
― Marya Hornbacher, Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia
The first part of Freshman year of high school was full of compliments and attention from people for all the weight I had lost. I hated it. I didn't want the attention, I just wanted to be treated normal. I didn't want to be talked about negatively like I had before, and now I was being talked about as if some were envious. Little did they know I was my own worst enemy. At this point during the school year I was still barely eating. A granola bar here and there. Tons of water. Dinner. The amount of calories I was consuming was not enough just to get through the daily routine, let alone playing sports. I played basketball, volleyball, and soccer. Looking back I'm really not sure how I never passed out or got seriously hurt from being so athletic on such little calories. I remember one time in math class the bell rang to change periods and I stood up from my desk but got super dizzy and had to sit back down. It was then I realized that I couldn't live on so little calories. I couldn't do this to myself anymore. By this point though, several months into this I was so far in that I didn't know how to think normal anymore. Eating caused anxiety and panic. It was always on my mind. Before even eating my mind was already racing on how I was going to burn those calories off. Everything had to go. If I ate that I would instantly be fat fat fat. People don't like that. People will make fun of you for being fat. You won't have any friends if you are fat. Those are all of the crazy thoughts that ran through my mind. That was when bulimia entered my life. I started eating and purging. Then I would lose control binge. Feel guilty for binging so I would purge. This was a never ending cycle. There would be months where I would feel "normal" or I guess my normal. I wouldn't binge and purge and I would kind of eat like a normal teen. When I was 16 I started to feel like myself again. The eating disorder wasn't in the forefront anymore. That's the thing with eating disorders though. Just when you think you are "fine" or "normal" it just takes one thing to push you back off that cliff.
I remember I was sitting in my boyfriend a the times car while he had stopped in a parking lot to talk to one of his friends. I don't know what their entire conversation was but I remember hearing his friend say something along the lines of "your fat girlfriend" (I wasn't even fat in my opinion) Back down the rabbit hole I like to say. It just took that one thing for me to lose every bit of confidence and love for myself again. The icing on the cake that made me feel even better was that my boyfriend at the time didn't even stick up for me. This made me feel even worse. I suddenly didn't even feel good enough for him or myself. That relationship ended. I was in this in between stage of I'm so over having this eating disorder but I don't know how else to deal with my life. When you've been doing something for 3 years you start to wonder if you are ever going to be capable of overcoming it. After that I had a couple boyfriends here and there. I was constantly seeking love from other people. I never thought my friends really liked me when looking back now I realize that this mind set that they never liked me is why we aren't still friends today. People can't love you and support you if you don't love yourself.
The end of my junior year things had gotten a bit better. I had opened up to a few people about my problem and the purging stopped. At 17, I gained about 20 pounds and life seemed to be on the up and up. That's when I met Eric. And boy, I tell you. He could see right through me. When we first met I suddenly went back to my "I have to be perfect" mentality. I started cutting calories and working out again and it wasn't long before I was extremely torn. Here I was spending all this time with this really amazing person. I couldn't hide behind this anymore. We had this connection that didn't allow me to not be 100% of me. Let me tell you. When you have an eating disorder you are extremely moody and angry. ALL OF THE TIME. There are few happy moments because you are so fixated on how you are going to burn calories or avoid eating. With Eric however, I felt happy. I needed to be happy. I finally felt like I deserved being happy. One of the smartest decisions I ever made in my life so far has to be the night I told Eric about my eating disorder. We were on the river walk sitting on some steps. We started talking about Laura (a friend that past away) and I got the urge to have this really honest no bullshit talk. I just broke down. I needed to tell him because I couldn't hide this major part of me anymore. You can't help someone with an eating disorder until they are ready to be helped. No matter what you tell them, or how much you care. They have to be ready to start the healing process. I was finally ready.
Eric was a major part of my recovery process. We had many honest talks about how this has changed my life, and that it's not going to go away. It's just about learning to manage it better. I needed to start loving myself and feeling like I am enough. No matter what anyone says, or what size I am. I need to be happy with myself. Trust me, 6 years later and it's still a daily struggle. I'm still trying to find a healthy balance of what feels right for me. I am so thankful to have overcome this disease that millions of people suffer from.
If you have read this, thank you for your time. I hope I have opened up this topic for discussion. This is such a silent disease that needs more awareness. Eating disorders can affect anyone, male, female, big, small, any race. It needs to be talked about.
If you feel someone in your life, or you yourself need help with an eating disorder. Please reach out. It is the best thing that you can do for someone or yourself.
For more information and signs and symptoms please visit:
xo
