And Life Goes On

The month of March has really passed by quickly. I have to say, I'm so glad because this month was a tough one in many ways.

The beginning of the month I found out that one of my best friends Joanna (also one of my bridesmaids) was not going to be able to come to the wedding. Joanna and I met back when I was just a baby (20 years old) when we both started our new jobs, on our first day together. This girl has been a very important part of my life for the past 5 years even though the majority of our friendship has been spent hundreds of miles away from each other. (Georgia isn't really a day trip away) Before Eric and I were even engaged I knew she was a bridesmaid. She had to be apart of the most important day of my life. Joanna gave birth to her a most precious baby boy last July and since then has been the best mom that sweet little boy can ask for. I'm so happy for the wonderful life her and her husband have made for themselves. Of course my heart is completely broken that she won't be able to make it back to Iowa for our special day. I was consumed with several different emotions all at once. I took a day just to be upset. I cried and cried. Ok, maybe I took two days. I was a baby about it. Although upset I realized life goes on. Things don't always go as planned, but what I've learned is you feel your pain, or whatever you need to feel at the time to move on, but you move on. You have to move on. Joanna not being there for my wedding is upsetting but there are going to be other friends there, and family that will be there to share this day with.

As if that news wasn't another to put a cloud on this month, Sunday March 17th I found out that a coworker of mine died the night before. It was a complete accident and shock to everyone. Someone you see everyday. It was definitely news that I couldn't handle. I have had a lot of deaths in my life. I say a lot because any is too many, and several is well...a lot. It doesn't get easier. If anything it gets harder. One persons death triggers memories from when someone else you loved passed. And then that triggers another, and your feelings just all come rushing back. I think it's even harder when that person is someone you just talked to two days earlier, someone who you knew when they were around. Their laugh, charisma, smile, stories, everything about them just stood out. Deb was a one of a kind lady. She had the biggest heart of any person I've known, and her love for life was out of this world. She did what she wanted with all the love in her heart. But she had that personality where she was honest.  No bullshit. I LOVE that about my memories of Deb. Her personality was contagious. Her laugh and smile are forever in my memory. She really lived life like there wasn't tomorrow. This really made me look at my own life. I have definitely reevaluated things and how I've been living. I love the people in my life, and I work very hard everyday to make sure they know how much I love them. But, am I living my life how I want to? I feel like I'm just a fraction of who I really want to be. I am bursting inside to be who I really want but I feel like I've been holding back. I don't want to look back 10 years from now and still only be a fraction of who I feel I am. I want to be 100% me whether people like it or not. I don't want life passing me by. It's already been two weeks since Deb's passing and it feels like we just got the news yesterday.

And that's what this month has taught me. Life goes on. It doesn't wait for you to get things done. It doesn't wait for you to make up with a friend. It doesn't wait for you to get a tattoo. It doesn't wait for you to have a child. It doesn't wait at all. You have to keep up with it, and you have to live for you.

I'm so thankful for my coworkers, family and friends, and especially Eric for rallying together this month and making this girl feel loved. The healing process is a lot easier when you have people around to support you.

**Sorry for such a depressing post. I've been typing and deleting the same post for about a week now. I couldn't seem to find any words that didn't have to do with this topic so I figured I needed to get it out of me. Sometimes when I have so much sadness in my heart I can't seem to get the words out. Cheers to hoping April brings happiness and healing.

Peace & Chicken Grease

Gloomy Sunday

Today's weather is leaving much to be desired. Foggy, rainy, and several inches of snow on it's way towards us. Can't it just be spring? I'm ready for sunshine, cool breezes, long walks, and hours spent on our backyard patio.

This morning was spent on the treadmill again, I did my couch to 5k program, and then once I got to my 3 minute cool down I decided I wasn't ready to cool down. I continued running for 12 minutes straight. I love knowing that each day I continue working hard is another day closer to my goals. Keep moving people, progress is progress no matter how slow you go.

This afternoon has been spent on the couch napping for Eric and Banksy. For me, it's been spent sipping on green tea and watching Catwoman. 

We are off to go grocery shopping, but I'm sure the rest of the day will be spent just a relaxed as the morning was. :)

Here are few shots I took this morning...how can you not want to cuddle this cute pup?

I could eat these feet right up

xo

Goals

Setting goals has always been something easy for me. Sticking to them on the other hand, I'm not so good at. I'm always finding myself setting goals and getting all excited, coming up with a game plan, telling everyone about them and then that balloon of motivation and excitement suddenly loses all of its air and I'm left with nothing. zip. nadda. 2013 has been a year of change for me in many ways. How I present myself, how I treat others, the goals I'm setting, and the biggest change of all...I'm actually sticking to and committing to the steps needed in order to reach my goals and say I DID IT! Fitness has always been, working out can be fun, a stress reliever, a bonding moment between you and your partner, but also frustrating, tiring, stressful at times, and overwhelming for me. This girl right here has discovered that if you set baby goals instead of these giant mountains, that I am more likely to succeed. Just setting the goal of being active everyday has changed my life completely. Am I still eating out and consuming alcohol? You bet, but...I am making changes daily that are helping me get to where I want to be physically and mentally overtime. It's not happening overnight but I'm ok with that. It's happening. And that my friends is what matters.

Can you believe that I have never ran on a treadmill? I've walked on a treadmill, with an incline and without, for a long time. Several days/nights have been spent on a treadmill but I've never felt comfortable with running. Now I've ran before, don't get me wrong...I played sports growing up, and during the years when I was deep in my eating disorder I ran several miles a day. This was all previously done on pavement. On streets, sidewalks, soccer fields, and basketball courts. Just never on a treadmill.

So far this year I have been walking at work and at the ice arena because the weather has been well, winter. Today the temps are warm enough to start melting the snow but with drizzle and water everywhere I just didn't want to deal with it. So I went out to my ma and pops house to get on the treadmill to do my couch to 5k program. (it tells you what intervals to walk and jog) My previous thoughts of nervousness about running on a treadmill were nowhere to be seen. I just started my program and that was that. When you start doing good things it only boosts your mood even more. I felt so good about myself for not only being active and working toward my goals, but really going for it. After my 30 minute couch to 5k program ended I had a 3 minute cool down...I didn't want to cool down yet, I wanted more. So I ran for 3 more minutes...then walked a few seconds and then back to running and so on...I stayed on that treadmill longer than my program required, not only because I wanted to, but because I could. And there is no better feeling than knowing that. :)

I of course had to document the stupid grin on my face when I finished. 

I feel like I've finally been launched into something great.

xo

7 years ago - love at 18

Tonight I was trying to remember what my old blog was. You remember, Xanga? Did anyone else have a Xanga that they wrote their teenage angst in? I somehow found the one I had been writing in since 2003. Talk about a flash back. So many things that I forgot about were written to the world on there. Something I wrote a lot about was Eric. Reading through the entires, I can't help but to be taken back to 2005/2006 when we first met, first started dating, and first started falling in love. Here is a post I had wrote about Eric. I'm mostly posting this to poke fun at myself. Did I really talk like that? Good lord, thankfuly hopefully I don't write like this anymore.

"Wednesday, January 25, 2006
I would like to inform all of you, that I am absolutely head over heals in love.

you all can say what you want but i know my feelings and none of you can change that.There is something about him that makes me so comfortable. Something about him and certain things that while they are happening i catch myself thinking "i could see being like this in maybe 10 years." and its the truth. I honestly think i have found the guy i want to spend the rest of my life with. its funny because even his mom has told him that she thinks we are going to get married. its adorable. I dont want to look too far into the future because anything can happen. but to have his mom say that makes me smile. Eric does things for me that i cant even explain. he is always there for me and never judges me. i have never met anyone else like him. he is mine. and always will be. go ahead and call me a fool, im sure some of you think that. but im sure of the fact that when you meet the person you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with, you know. and you just get a certain feeling. and i know with my heart...that this feeling, is exactly that. and i will do everything i can to make "us" work. i dont want to let this slip away.

Eric, I love you.

always & forever"

Now, looking back and knowing where I am today it makes me smile. 8 years later and my heart was right. I'm exactly where I need to be.

Warm Thoughts

This winter really has me feeling blue. But what is an instant mood lifter??? Booking out honeymoon! Yup, Eric and I will be heading to the amazing resort "Couples Swept Away" in Negril. That's right, right after the wedding we will be soaking up the sun in Jamaica!!! We are just 6 short months away from our wedding and paradise. :)

xo

Dusting off the SLR

I used to be big into photography...and actually pretty good at it. (Well I guess my teachers in high school and college thought so. Everyone has their own opinion) I used to take photos all of the time with my SLR camera until I had a few too many drinks at my brothers wedding. Big camera + flip flops + plus spilt beer in front of the bar = SPLAT! Me and my camera went down HARD. It still works, but let's just say it's special needs. I haven't really used it since then because it was more of a pain to deal with than anything. Sunday the sun was shining so I decided to bust it out to see if it still worked. Let's just say I took over 100 photos and only 2 turned out. Sigh...Do I spend the money on a new slr or do I just deal with not having one that works beautifully? I guess most days my iPhone5 works sufficiently enough. :)

xo

music goes a long way

Sometimes all this girl needs is a Travelin' Band by CCR to bring me back to reality. I find at times my personality can make me a little...umm...crazy shall I say? Whether it's the time of the month, a lot of stress, wedding planning, or just a bad day. All I need to do is put on a little music and just jam out. One of my favorite things I love doing with Eric is putting on some music and start singing and dancing. This usually happens on Sundays when we are cleaning up around the house. Music is such a mood lifter if you allow it. Happy Sunday all. Today you'll be able to find me in the kitchen dancing to some music. :)

xo

Grandmother's Jewels

Virginia Mae Nixon

I have a thing for monograms. I'm hoping someone will either gift me one for the wedding, or I'll gift myself one after because they are so pretty and timeless.

A couple weekends ago I went to my parent house to look through my Grandmothers jewelry with my mom to maybe find something to pin onto my flowers. There were several great options, but then when I saw this I knew it was perfect. Isn't it beautiful? I'll be able to look down at it on my wedding day and be reassured that she is there the entire time. That's the thing about special events and holidays. They always point out the loved ones that aren't there, but it's nice to have a reminder that they are always with us even if it is just in spirit. I know it's going to calm my nerves having this wrapped around my flowers.

xo